英文已如此搞笑,翻譯卻更加殘暴。

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

開始我直接求上帝賜輛自行車。後來我琢磨上帝辦事兒不是這個路數。於是老子偷了一輛然後求上帝寬恕。

2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

我希望能像爺爺那樣,安靜地在睡夢中死去…… 而不是要像他開的車上那些慘叫滴乘客一樣死法啊!

3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

你永遠不能戰勝一個純SB,因為他會把你的智商拉到跟他個水平,然後用豐富的經驗打敗你

4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

直譯:在這個世界上,我最不願意做的事就是傷害你,但是這件事仍在我的考慮之列。

意譯a:我真不想傷害你,但你也別逼我。

意譯b:吾雖不殺伯仁,伯仁由我而死。

5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong…

a. 如覺嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛,那是你操錯洞…

b. 若XXOO是下體的痛,那麼,是你操錯。

6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

a. 早起滴小鳥有蟲蟲!晚到的老鼠有奶酪!

b. 早起的鳥兒有蟲吃,早起的蟲兒被鳥吃。

7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

在咱們這噶噠送外賣的都比警察來的快.

8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

XXOO就像打橋牌。如果對手不好使,自己的手必須好使。

9、 Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

有些人就像Slinkies (彈簧玩具),沒什麼實在用處,但看他們在樓梯上倒騰來搗騰去還是很有喜感。

10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

政客和紙尿布有一個共同點就是:他們都很有規律地被替換,而且因為同一個理由——髒了! !

11、War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

戰爭不能決出正義,但能判出哪方出局。

12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

a. 女人的高潮可能是裝出來的。但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是裝出來的!

b. 女人假裝高潮以獲取真實的感情;男人假裝感情以獲取真實的高潮。

13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

我們永遠不可能真正的成熟,我們只是學會在眾人面前裝逼。

14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

男人就兩種狀態:餓 和 性飢渴。要是他不硬,就給他個三明治!

15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

光總是比聲音跑的快點….這就是為嘛有些SB只有在開口說話之後你才發現他是在裝B…

16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

我媽每次對著我罵草泥馬的時候都沒看出其中笑點。

17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

曾以為我想要的是職業,結果發現我只是想要工資。

18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

你要是覺得沒人在乎你的死活,那你不妨嘗試一下跟你的債主玩躲貓貓~~

19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

XXOO並不是結論而是個問題…爽不爽才是答案…

20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

晚間新聞總是以“晚上好”開頭,再告訴你你為什麼好不了。

21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

直譯:一根火柴能點著整片森林,一盒火柴也生不起個營火,這咋回事!

意譯:想當年哥戴套都能讓人懷孕,看今朝叔竟然去看男科

22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

如果4/5的人在忍受腹瀉的痛苦,那剩下1/5咋回事?很享受嗎?

23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

直譯:知識就是說你知道西紅柿是一種水果;智慧就好似不要把它放進水果沙拉里。

意譯a:知識就是告訴你說應該把雞蛋放進籃子,智慧則是叫你不要把所有雞蛋都放進一個籃子。

意譯b:所謂知識就是知道韓少和小四都屬於80後,但智慧告訴你這終還是男女有別~

24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

上帝瞅著咱們呢,大夥好歹喜感點吧!

25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

無論,在任何情況下,永遠,不要在一個夜晚,同時吃,安眠藥,和通便靈。

26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

老子拼死拼活奮鬥到食物鏈頂端,不是為了成為一個素食者。

27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

公車站呀公車停。火車站呀火車停。俺桌上有個工作站…

28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

要是我聽你的,咱倆就都2B了。

29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

海豚可聰明了你知道不?只要馴養幾個星期,它們就能讓人類乖乖站在池邊給它們扔魚吃了。

30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

a. 下棋,我不行;玩跆拳道,電腦不行!

b. 下象棋電腦把我玩得團團轉,拳擊我能把機箱踹得七零八散!

31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

瞅見個姐姐,胸前衣服上寫著“Guess”…俺就問了一句:“…隆過?”

32、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

孩子就是:你先花2年,教丫們走路和說話。然後你再花16年教丫們坐定和閉嘴。

33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

為什麼當你說天上有400億星星時他不懷疑,卻偏要檢查你所說的“油漆未乾”?

34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

a. 寧願閉嘴當傻瓜,也別學烏鴉亂呱呱。

b. 越解釋越SB,不說話最NB。

c. 剽悍的人生不需要解釋

d. 寧可閉口被人當SB,也不張口解釋所有疑。

35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

銀行就是當你證明了你不需要錢的時候可以藉錢給你的地方

36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

a.對你的問題哈哈大笑吧,別人都在這麼做。

b. 你有什麼不開心的?說出來給大家開心開心。

37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

a. 我知道沒人在我腦子裡跟我聊天,但那些話真TM有用!

意譯:我幻想的低吟不一定是真的,但足夠讓我意淫

38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

a. 無愧于心哈?記性不好吧?

意譯b: 自從那次在人妖身邊醒來,每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼鏡……”

c. 意識清醒了,意味著不堪回首了。

39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

a. 所謂的好姑娘,咳!就是還沒被群眾抓到的JP女·····

b. 想立牌坊就得會裝

40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

臨危忽然微笑的那誰,定是找到替罪羊鳥~

41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

如果女人能做到以禿頂和啤酒肚在大街上晃還覺得自己倍儿性感——此時估計男女能平等。

42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

小腿上的骨頭——在黑房間裡找准家具位置的好裝備。

43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

聖誕老人當然美,他知道所有YD妞住哪兒啊!

44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

剽竊一個人的叫剽竊,剽竊許多人的叫研究。

意譯:竊鉤者誅,竊國者為諸侯。

45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

有些人一來大家就開心了;有些人一走大家就開心了。 .

46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

我發現,我滴腳丫被一小片兒海藻擦過時,我滴那個慘叫聲——和我被大白鯊嚇壞時的慘叫聲是一樣滴。

47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

直譯:你若是擠滿人的電梯裡的小矮人,肯定能嗅出不同的味兒。

意譯:靈感來自於所站的角度與眾不同。

48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

我可沒怨你!我是在譴責你!

49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What's my mother going to do?

當我填表的時候,有一項是“緊急情況聯繫:” 我填上了“醫生”,到時候我媽能幫上什麼忙? !

50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

上帝一定倍儿愛SB,不然他造這麼多! ! ! ! ! ! !

51、Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

每一個成功的男人背後都有一個女人。每一個翻了船的成功男人背後往往是另一個女人。

52、I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

生活對於我來說是小菜一碟,我通常就著鹽和檸檬,再來一小杯烈性酒。

意譯a:生活,是一團麻……繩,……再加一根蠟燭……一柄皮鞭。

意譯b: 生活,不就是先狂吃菜,然後把烈性白酒一飲而盡?

53、The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

直譯:小孩子要中間名,純粹是為了讓他知道他啥時候真的有麻煩了。

直譯a:起個全名就為了揍孩子前可以底氣十足地喊出來。

意譯b:賈君鵬這名字就為了讓他媽喊他回家吃飯!

54、It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

跳樓的時候,“啊——”的時候還沒死,“啪!”那才是死了。

55、Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

人工智能從來敵不過天然請勿使用不良詞語。

56、Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

直譯:不要用眼鏡腿來打男人,用棒球擊桿。

意譯: 要下手就得狠,甭來毛毛雨。

57、There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

直譯:要想留住誰,在抱摔的時候有一條細線區分出你是否為高手。

其他譯法:抱摔是留不住女人的,摟抱才管用。 /抱和爆是有區別的。 /推倒和擁抱是有微妙的區別的喲! /擁抱和柔道裡的壓制是有區別的!

58、A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

所謂砍價,就是這東西雖然你不需要,但價格太好必須要買下來!

59、Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

絕對不要和長得醜的爭執,他們已經沒什麼可輸的了。

60、My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

我的觀點或許改變了,但我是正確的這一事實卻亙古不變。

意譯:我們要搞共產主義,也要搞有中國特色的社會主義。

61、My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

心理醫師:你神經病! ! !我:能說點別的嗎?

心理醫師:好! !而且你真TM醜! ! !

62、 A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don't know son, I'm still paying.”

一單純傻兒子問他爹:“爸,結婚到底要花多少錢啊?”他爸說:“兒啊,我真不知道…沒看見我還在交錢嗎?”

63、 Some people say “If you can't beat them, jo​​in them”. I say “If you can't beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

有人說“打不過,就合作”。我說“打不過,也要打”。因為丫們指望你加入,得來點驚喜~!

64、When in doubt, mumble.

腦子不好使的話,你就嘟囔。

不明白的話,哼哼試試。

65、I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

我已決定長生不老,目前為止,感覺良好。

66、Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were

好客就是:讓客人覺得他們像在他們家一樣,儘管你真的希望他們滾回他們家。

67、If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

跳傘是這樣一種運動:不成功則成仁!

68、A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

電視侮辱你的智商,電腦則是吐你槽的終極存在!

69、Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

知識就是力量,力量會邪惡化。那麼就好好學習當大魔王吧!

70、Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

錢買不來幸福,但有了它,痛苦的日子會好熬一點。

71、Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

跟悲觀主義者藉錢吧!他反正不指望你還! ! !

72、Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

擔憂真的好使! !老子擔心的事兒90%都沒發生! !

73、Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

貞操如泡影,一戳無踪影。

74、Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

這年頭,連懷舊都不如從前夠味兒了。

75、With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

只要主義真,豬也成超人。

信春哥 ,得永生

76、I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'ma Libra and she's a bitch.

我早就該知道我跟我EX沒戲!歸根結底,我是天枰她是JP!

77、Hallm​​ark Card: “I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here.”

豪馬克卡上的話:沒有你我痛苦萬分,正如你就在此處。 (沒有女人冷冷清清,有了女人雞犬不寧)

78、You're never too old to learn something stupid.

越活越2~ /活到老,2到老

79、A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

直譯:外交家們說讓你下地獄的時候,措辭也好像你正巴不得來這麼趟旅行。

80、 I got in a fight one time with a rea​​lly big guy, and he said, “I'm going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You'll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.”

我和個壯漢鬧急了。他:老子非得用你丫臉把地給擦了! ! !我:你會後悔的! !他:噢?真噠?怎麼講?我:呃,邊邊角角的地方你擦不到! ! !

81、Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

有些人吹牛說丫能通靈,有些人吹牛說丫有陰陽眼,其他人只是沒有這種想像力而已

82、I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

啊我好愛好愛工作啊~ 工作讓我好著迷啊~我TMD死盯著它幾個小時了啊!

83、We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

槍支管理不是問題,SB管理才是問題

84、Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

女人或許擊得併不重,但她們擊得更低…..

女人總是能擊中男人的要害。

85、Just remember…if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

直譯:記著吧……世界要不噁心,我們早被吐掉了。

別抱怨了,這個世界要是真和諧了,我們這種人就不應該存在~

意譯:你們TMD給我​​記住:沒有和諧社會,你們早讓美帝國主義給糟蹋了!

86、Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

上帝蜀黍疼你,只是大家都覺得你2B而已

87、I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

a. 過去老子左右為難。現在老子優柔寡斷。

b. 我曾是個懷疑論者,現在我很懷疑這一點。

c. 過去我難以決斷,現在我不大確信是否還是如此。

88、I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

老子打死都不信流血5天還不掛的物種。 /老子打死都不信娘們儿。

89、If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

直譯:如果你始終腳踏實地,那就別想穿褲子了。

意譯:人太老實沒法活。

90、To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

別人是指哪兒打哪兒,我是打哪兒指哪兒。

91、 You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

好吧,既然這艘船要沉了,救生衣又只有一件,我就勉為其難的虛偽一下,你對我來說實在是不能再好的朋友了…我一定會經常想念你滴~!!!

92、Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

站在車庫的你並不會變成一輛車是吧?所以站在教堂的你也不會變成基督徒。

93、Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

世界總是在變,但我卻怎麼也便不出來。

意譯:人生何處不杯具,唯有面對飲水機。

94、If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

假設我們會吃一塹,長一智,為什麼總有人生了一個還會生?

95、A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

公車總在被追趕的時候的速度要比你在裡面時的速度快兩倍。

一旦你在公車後面追,它的速度就會變得比你在裡面所感覺得快。

96、Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

發明“鼠動無聲”這詞兒的哥們一定沒踩上過一隻。

97、You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

過了河也別拆橋,沒准你還要回來呢。

98、The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

口腔體溫計和菊花體溫計有啥不同?嚐嚐看就知道了

99、When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

以暴治暴,不如以抱治爆。

100、Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

直譯:記著,如果你在嘿咻後冒煙了,證明你整得太快了。

                                

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